Ok... so I really dont like or really know how to do this to well. Writing this i mean, im not to experienced in writing blogs or whatever. Anyways if anyone has the time to actually read peoples profiles or whatnot anyone would know that i love cradle of filth. (duh is that like to obvious to say on a COF page... lol) I dont know how to put this without sounding like a total douche bag but music seems to be the only thing that keeps me going, and in my case most of the music, almost all of it is Cradle, so in turn Cradle of Filth is what keeps me going in life. Ok now here is the part where im gonna start to be a real douche bag and talk about my life. So here is the WARNING now... if anyone hates reading long stories, DONT read this. If you dont like to hear people ranting when they are at a vulnerable state DONT read this.... so you have been warned.... *_*



Ok so i guess that i can say that my life isnt the greatest in the world... BUT i know that it can be a lot worse. Where to start.. where to start.. lol. Anyways my parents are ok. I love them and everything... they are just literally fucked up in the head. My dad was in Vietnam so right there he wouldnt be right. He was diagnosed with PTSD and diagnosed as being a Paranoid Schizophrenic with Homicidal tendencies. He can be fine one minute and then crazy/abusive the next. Its literally impossible to describe, but i have the most love for my father, despite all the cruel things he has done in my lifetime. My mom is a kind and caring person. She has put up with being physically/mentally abused by my father my whole lifetime. My mother is a strong person that i love but we tend to have a love/hate relationship. (more love btw) The thing about my mother that I hate is that everyday of my life since I told her I was pregnant all I hear is her bitching about it. Yeah i didnt want for it to happen either, and i was so scared to tell my parents because i knew what would happen, and i was right. She still does it, even to this day, when I had a miscarriage with my daughter. Its not a good feeling to hear your mother bitch and curse you after loosing something that important. My brother is ok. I love him soo much too. When he was 18 months old he was diagnosed with a rare blood disorder. He has a very weak immune system and can possibly die from just getting sick from the flu. Last May he had meningitis and was so close to death. He was in the hospital for about 20 days until he was able to come home. The only thing about my brother is he is like my dad. He can be physically abusive, mostly to me but to my mom too. For example, earlier tonight my mom said something to him that was kinda mean and i laughed. He came over and just started strangling me really hard.. i couldnt breathe and i was trying to yell for mom to help me and she just sat there and watched! Fucked up huh? My boyfriend is the only one almost there for me. "Almost" i suppose i could say. We have been dating for almost 5 years. Before i got pregnant he was always happy, never angry or short-tempered. I had my miscarriage and he was there for me through the whole thing. Four days after i got out of the hospital he got fucked up on pills and wrecked his car (not the best thing for me in my all ready stressed out situation) I was so worried but he was fine and his car was ok too. It just since the miscarriage everything about him has changed. He is very hostel towards me now and never was before. He gets angry all the time and sometimes i just dont know what to do. Even though i dont think this is true, i sometimes think that deep down he blames me for losing our baby and he just takes it out on me by being an asshole now. I REALLY DOUBT this is true but i fell like it is a lot of the time.

Ok.. so this is the basics of my life... the foundation on which Sarah is i guess you could say. And how does Cradle of Filth play into this? Well as i said earlier, music is the one thing in my life that i can always count on. Its always there for me as a shelter, a type of escape that lets me take a break from my life and just let my mind slip away to a better place. Cradle has played such a major role in my life and it made me so happy when i finally got to see them live on 21st of Jan. 2009. My boyfriend and i was in front of Paul and Dave the whole time. We made eye contact with them several times... at least i think that we did. Dani made eye contact with me once, at least i believe he did. I was so filled with happiness that they would even acknowledge my prescence by looking at me. Its crazy to think of the kind of power that they hold over me.. just know that just a look is all it takes to mean the world to someone. Its amazing. I never thought that I could love them more, but in that moment i found out that it was possible and that i did. And now when i need to go into my shelter which is Cradle of Filth, i can imagine them as they were seeing them live, and i think to myself 'For only in the grip of darkness Will we shine amidst the brightest stars'


Always Much <3 to CoF!!